What is self-love anyway?

By Michael Ralls

Disclaimer: this article, as with any article on this website, is my opinion. It’s based on my experience as a therapist, as a client, and with the men I’ve worked with. It’s not the final word on therapy, and it’s not meant to replace doing your own research.

Most men don’t struggle because they don’t love themselves enough.

They struggle because they don’t actually know themselves very well.

We’re taught to get on with things, keep moving, stay useful. Emotions get labelled as distractions. Reflection labelled as neurotic. Therapy gets dismissed as something you only need when things are really broken. And God forbid you’ll allow yourself fall into that bucket!

But here’s the uncomfortable truth: you can’t back yourself if you don’t understand yourself. And without that, confidence is just noise.

Why “self-love” advice often feels shallow

There’s a lot of talk about self-love these days. Most of it misses the point.

Loving yourself isn’t about bubble baths, walks in nature, or being kinder to yourself in some vague way. Those things can help, but they’re not the foundation.

Real self-love starts with knowing yourself. Not the version you present to the world, but the one that drives your decisions, reacts under pressure, and shows up in your relationships. Self-love is accepting every part of you, for better or worse.

Self-care vs self-love

Self-love isn’t something you earn by doing enough good things for yourself. It’s something that grows when you stop turning away from who you actually are.

Walks, baths, rest, seeking pleasure in the things you enjoy. These may be expressions of self-love.

But the source is the relationship you have with yourself.

Without the relationship self-care becomes avoidance, routine becomes performance, treating yourself becomes compensation. There can be overreliance on willpower to “keep up the good habits”. And that rarely lasts. It’s new year’s resolutions meets groundhog day!

Why self-knowledge comes first

You can’t love someone if you don’t know them. And that includes yourself.

Most men try to fix how they feel without ever looking at how they’re wired. We manage symptoms. We push through. We distract. We optimise. We tell ourselves to be more confident, more disciplined, more relaxed. As if shouting instructions at ourselves is the same as support. It isn’t.

Self-knowledge means knowing what actually drives you, what knocks you off balance, and what you do when things don’t go your way. It means recognising your patterns before they run the show. The ways you avoid, the ways you react, the ways you protect yourself when something feels threatening.

Without that, “self-love” turns into vague encouragement aimed at a mystery person.

When you know yourself, something changes. You stop taking your reactions personally. You understand why certain situations hit harder than others. You notice when you’re acting out of fear, pride, shame, or habit - and that gives you the choice to respond with clarity of mind, as opposed to reacting as you always have done.

You start telling yourself the truth without being cruel to yourself, staying present when you disappoint yourself, and standing by yourself when things get messy. That’s self-respect.

From there, walks in nature, time with friends and healthy routines stop being strategies - they become expressions of a relationship that already exists. And they come from a deeper motivation. Self-love.

And here’s the thing. Investing time in getting to know yourself doesn’t make you self-absorbed or soft. It makes you steadier. Harder to derail. Less reactive. More consistent. More confident.

Self-love isn’t built on willpower and positive thinking. It’s built on self-recognition.

So who is the self I’m supposed to know and love?

Get to know yourself by asking yourself some tough questions and being really f*cking honest with the answers. That honesty is often the hardest part to face. But once you do it, the doors will start to open.

Create a self-inventory. A work in progress. We evolve and grow and so too should this inventory.

See 10 question areas to know yourself better.

Where therapy can help

If you want better relationships, clearer decisions, and a steadier sense of self-respect, you have to understand - and love - the person in the driving seat.

Therapy can help you start to figure some of this stuff out. It can help you to see and accept the things you’re not seeing.

Because sometimes the answers just don’t come. Sometimes we know the answers, but we avoid them. Sometimes, we just need a little help. And that’s OK. Seeking help is not weakness. It’s ownership.

Wherever you start, start with curiosity and kindness. Treat yourself like you’d treat someone you love. Because more you understand, and accept yourself, the less you have to fight yourself. And that changes everything.