10 question areas to know yourself better
By Michael Ralls
Disclaimer: this article, as with any article on this website, is my opinion. It’s based on my experience as a therapist, as a client, and with the men I’ve worked with. It’s not the final word on therapy, and it’s not meant to replace doing your own research.
What this is for:
I mention this list of questions in my article: “what is self-love anyway?” where I talk about how self-love begins with properly getting to know yourself.
These questions are not designed for you to judge yourself. This is about getting to know yourself on a deeper level. When answering these questions, think about the feelings that come up, states of being, people in your life, memories, patterns, and whatever else comes to mind. There are no right or wrong answers. It’s a starting point. Each answer gets you a step closer to knowing who you really are. Remember, none of us are perfect. We all carry something. Understanding, accepting and owning these things is the first step towards developing self-love.
Tip: sometimes the ‘why’ isn’t obvious. Spend some time reflecting and move on if the answers don’t come.
1. What actually matters to me?
Not what should matter. What does. Deep down. This is about knowing your values and motivations.
What do I consistently protect, even when it costs me? Why?
What pisses me off? Why?
What do I respect in other people? Why?
Where did these values come from - experience, upbringing, pain, pride?
2. What drives me (and what drains me)?
This is about understanding your motivations and drivers.
When do I feel most like myself? Why?
What gives me energy rather than taking it? Why?
When am I most engaged in life?
What do I do make look fine from the outside but leaves me feeling empty? Why?
What am I aware I’ve I outgrown but still cling to out of habit? Why?
3. How I’m wired under pressure?
This is about understanding your reactions.
When things go wrong, do I: withdraw? get angry? feel anxious? go quiet? distract myself? take control?
What situations reliably trigger this? Why?
What part of me am I trying to protect in those moments? Why?
4. What are my honest struggles?
The ones that are rarely said out loud. Acknowledging and accepting these is where self-love begins.
What do I privately find difficult / What do I struggle with? Why?
Where do I feel not “enough” in life? Why?
What emotions do I avoid or numb? Why?
What do am I hard on myself for? Why?
5. Relationships: what do I need and what do I give?
How do I show that I care? Where did this come from?
How do I want care shown to me? What does this give me?
What makes me feel close to someone? Why?
What makes me pull away? Why?
How do I react when relationships rupture or fail? Anxious? Needy? Dismissive? Why?
What patterns keep repeating in my relationships? What role am I playing?
6. What do boundaries mean to me?
So often misunderstood. So often ignored.
What do I resent but tolerate?
Where do I say yes when deep down I want to say no?
What makes me angry - and what does that anger protect?
What would better boundaries actually look like for me?
7. How well do I know my body and mind?
No spirituality required!
How do I treat my body when I’m stressed?
Do I listen to how I am feeling or push feelings away and override them? Why?
What does proper rest mean for me? Why does this help me?
What signals in my body and mind do I ignore until they get too loud to ignore?
The body keeps the score whether we like it or not!
8. What direction do I want for my life
This isn’t about goals or status, it’s about direction.
How do I want to feel in my life?
What kind of man do I want to be around others?
What would “a good enough life” actually look like for me?
What am I moving towards - and what am I moving away from?
9. What am I learning to be kinder and more honest with in myself right now?
If you only answer one thing, answer this.
10. Some final reflections:
Did you spot any patterns as you went through the questions?
How would it feel to share your answers with someone close to you?
How would you want them to respond?
Can you offer yourself the same?
Could therapy be helpful?
If you found it difficult to answer the ‘why’ questions, or any of these questions, or notice patterns in your behaviour that you’d like to change but don’t know how, this is where therapy can help.