Finding the right therapist for you
By Michael Ralls
Disclaimer: this article, as with any article on this website, is my opinion. It’s based on my experience as a therapist, as a client, and with the men I’ve worked with. It’s not the final word on therapy, and it’s not meant to replace doing your own research.
If you’re reading this, there’s a good chance you already know something isn’t quite right and you’re thinking about talking to someone. For a lot of men, that step alone feels big enough.
The problem is, once you start looking, it can all feel a bit… vague. Ethereal. Overwhelming. Like you’ve accidentally wandered into a world that wasn’t built with normal blokes in mind.
My aim here is simple: cut through some of the noise and help you choose a therapist who’s good enough for you.
Choosing a therapist can be confusing as hell
Most men don’t grow up talking about feelings, inner worlds, or emotional patterns. So when you suddenly find yourself Googling therapists, it can feel awkward and unfamiliar.
Add to that the endless list of therapy types, qualifications, and titles, and it’s easy to stall. Or put it off. Or convince yourself you’ll deal with it “later”.
If that’s you, you’re not weak, not broken, not failing. You’re just human.
What do all these terms mean?
You’ll probably come across terms like:
CBT, Person-Centred, Psychodynamic, Transactional Analysis, Gestalt, Humanistic, Integrative, Pluralistic,… and plenty more.
Here’s the honest truth. Most of these approaches overlap more than they differ. They use different language, focus on different angles, and suit different people. But none of them are magic, and none of them work in isolation from the relationship between you and the therapist.
The ability of a therapist to build a strong, trusting relationship with you is what matters more than anything else (a reminder, this is my opinion).
And I’ll say this openly: therapists from many different approaches can do that well.
I work in a humanistic / integrative way, which means I care less about forcing you into a model and more about understanding you. Who you are, how you got here, and what keeps showing up in your life.
What about NHS therapy, will this work?
You might also hear things like: “Your GP can refer you for 6–12 sessions of CBT.”
For some men, that’s genuinely helpful. It can give structure, tools, and short-term relief, especially for specific issues like anxiety or low mood.
The downside is that it’s often time-limited and problem-focused. It’s not usually designed to go deep or explore long-standing patterns, relationships, identity, or the bigger questions underneath.
Think of it like this: sometimes you need painkillers. Sometimes you need physio. Sometimes you need to understand why the injury keeps happening in the first place.
Qualifications matter but they don’t guarantee the right fit
Therapists train hard. Qualifications matter. Professional standards matter.
Counselling isn’t a currently a government regulated profession. But there are regulatory bodies. Key ones include the British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy (BACP), UK Council for Psychotherapy (UKCP), National Counselling and Psychotherapy Society (NCPS), and British Psychoanalytic Council (BPC). And there are more. They set high standards for training, ethical and practice standards and have complaints procedures in place in the unlikely event you need them.
At the very least you need to choose a therapist who is registered with one of these bodies AND holds or is in training towards a level 4 qualification in their chosen field. Follow this advice if nothing else and you will be in safe hands.
But - and this is important - all the qualifications in the world don’t guarantee that a therapist will be right for you.
Therapy isn’t like hiring an accountant. You’re not just buying expertise. You’re entering a relationship where you’ll be talking about things you may never have said out loud before.
If you don’t feel safe, respected, or on some level understood, the work will only ever go so far.
So what actually matters?
From my experience, these things matter more than the label on the therapist’s website:
You feel you can talk to them without being judged
You feel listened to, not analysed or talked down to
You feel you’re on the same level. Human to human.
You feel you could build trust over time
You leave sessions feeling clearer, even if it’s uncomfortable at times
Therapy isn’t always easy or comfortable. But it shouldn’t feel confusing, belittling, or like you’re performing for approval.
Here’s simple way for you to choose
Here’s an approach I often suggest:
Pick three therapists who roughly appeal to you and hold the minimum standards mentioned above
Don’t overthink the approach or the wording
Book an initial consultation
Pay attention to how it feels, not how impressive it sounds – you don’t want them on a pedestal. You want to be on the same level.
Ask yourself:
Could I open up to this person?
Did I feel heard?
Did I feel comfortable enough to come back?
And remember - you are allowed to change your mind. Ending therapy or switching therapists isn’t failure. It’s part of the process. Therapists are used to this. And a good therapist will be supportive of whatever decision you make, whenever you make that decision.
The Bottom line
You don’t need the perfect therapist. You need one who’s good enough. Because good enough is…good enough!
Someone you can relate to.
Someone you can trust.
Someone you feel able to sit with, talk honestly with, and explore what’s really going on beneath the surface.
And if you know, deep down, that this is something you need, don’t put it off forever while you search for certainty. Its often in the uncertainty that we find the most growth.
You don’t need to have all the answers before you start. Sometimes the work is about finding them.